September 6, 2020

 This is the 6^th month of quarantine in a pandemic known as COVID-19. Been only out of the house for work, buy groceries, accompany my boyfriend to his project site/s, and hang in his house. For the last 6 months, we’ve only tried dining out maybe a little less than 15 times? Most of the time we’d rely on food delivery services just to avoid people. Which is actually good, in a lot of ways, social distancing aside: 1) I don’t really like people in general; 2) Goodbye anxiety!

But in my line of work which requires a whole lot of people interaction – who would think that I really don’t go so well with this socializing thing? Uhmm maybe when a one-time customer reported me for being rude. It affected me too much, but for a moment I also thought, he must have been right in a way though. This face gets a lot too bitchy -  not in a bitchy way that you think that you’d want to get into bed with, but the bitch that you literally hate. I AM THAT BITCH, YO.

I’ve been meaning to write for the last couple of weeks, months, years. But I always make up an excuse not to: “busy with work” “ busy with house chores” “busy making time for boyfriend” “busy taking care of my dogs” “busy making time for myself”, which are all true by the way. But as someone said, you will never be too busy for something you ought to do. So I guess I must have not been really too interested in whatever this is. But we here though.

And I should probably get started in my weekly daughter duties. Ciao!

Today, at two o'clock in the morning, I woke up from a very bad dream. Tragic even. Imagine seeing your significant other getting too close with someone who's definitely not you. Then you see him/her laughing beautifully, singing him/her a song, and talking to him/her as if the world only revolves around the other, and you're just there, a few meters away. Then he looks at you, smiling. You call him and he comes closer to you, then you whisper, "Oh, does this mean that I can't sing songs with you in your car anymore? Drive around town with you? Talk and laugh with you like you two do now?" then he answers, "yea, we're no longer together". That's when you come to realize that your relationship has already ended. Does that not break your heart? Does the sight of them not make you want to shed a tear or two? I know this rarely happens in real life, how things exactly unfolded. Because it was a dream, obviously. But in my dream, right after that moment, I felt as if it was too hard for me to breathe. I almost cried then went out of sight. It seemed too real!
I woke up and cried. Then it hit me. I realized how much I love this person. And how sad I would be to see him with another person and let him go. I immediately sent him a message and just in time for his birthday. I sent him a short birthday greeting (because I have a longer one in a letter to be given later hehe) and sent him another one telling him about my dream. I tried my best to get back to sleep but the memory of that dream vividly repeats in my mind. But sleep still won over it, of course, I'm still me. Haha!
I think my dream wanted to remind me to treasure my loved ones while they're still with me, spend it as if it's our last just to let them know that they're valued and would do anything to keep them. And how it sucks seeing them(him) giggling with a new girl. Haha! Masakit talaga bes, sobra, tas dun mo pa narealize na di na pala kayo. Parang bigla ka nalang namatay kaya yata kayo di nagusap na maghiwalay tas biglang may bago na siyang ka-landian! Jusko! Saket! I thought it would be easy for me to let go of someone once ayaw na nila because that's what I've been telling him na if ayaw na, kumalas na agad, tas yun na panaginip lang, di pala ganun kadali! Haha!
I recall this one time, when I told him that diba if you really love the person, you have to let him/her go? He answered me this "hay nako saang palabas/libro mo na naman yan nakuha. Alam mo, mali yan, wag ka masyadong padala diyan sa mga kdrama/libro mo kasi kapag love mo ang tao, gagawin mo ang lahat para di siya mawala sayo". Boom, clap! The sound of my heart, the beat goes on and on and on and on and... because I am a competitive person (ay gusto ko lang talaga tama ako) I replied "ay basta! ewan ko! Yun naman talaga dapat eh." hahaha! Talo na eh.
Today, he's celebrating his 26th birthday and this is the 4th time that we'll be celebrating it together and I just wanted to tell myself (kasi di niya naman to mababasa) again and again and again that I love him like super kaduper bahala na anong ka cornyhan nanaman tong pinaggagagawa ko at pagsisisihan ko na naman kinabukasan. Basta, Dong, mahal kita. Happy birthday!

Photo taken at Lake Holon, South Cotabato (22/04/2017)

Relationship Blues

Most of the time we're in pain, we make rash decisions, which we'd regret in one way or another, in the long run. It must be our defense mechanism to tell the world that we're strong enough to endure much pain. I'm guilty of this. This has always been one of the wicked things I always ever do to myself. The lingering pain? I try to enjoy it as it gets me through hell.

Being in a relationship always has its pros and cons. One that I've always struggled with is having to consider the other's thoughts and feelings before making a decision or doing anything because it's undeniable that you're a team now. And when you've been single for too long (especially since birth) and now in a relationship, this is something that you would have to adjust with and work on. Truth is, this is also one of the major causes of conflict with me and my person. And we've been trying to work on it since day 1.

It's not easy, yes, but it's worth the time and effort to deal with especially when your person is also worth the time and effort. There may be times when you ponder on the quality of relationship that you have, looking through it's cracks and holes, if they're compromissory or irreparable. But for an optimist's point of view, there are about 98 other ways not put the relationship in jeopardy.

One of the most effective ways everyone say is to communicate, just to talk it out and everything shall be settled. Even wars can be ceased through peace talks. After hearing both sides of the story, that's when you make a decision. Sometimes, I even have to send a photo or describe the dress I've eyed on before buying it just to make damn sure we're both happy with it. It might be too petty of an example but that's where big things start. We consult each other, ask for other ideas to get most things done. Not all the time though. There's always time for me-and-only-me time.

For me, this works perfectly just fine.

Too ordinary but I already feel like a goddam pro.

Love What Matters

Oftentimes, I wonder how essential it is to be compatible with your partner, what compatibility really means and how it applies to a relationship.

Yes,  it's both cute and admirable when you both share the same interests like having to play a sport together, or taking a load of photos of anything because you share the same passion for photography, being each others' Instagram boyfriend/girlfriend, or having an exchange of playlists because you share the same taste in music. Maybe going around looking for art pieces and materials because the arts may have brought you two together. Or just lay down the sand, under the heat of sun or the moonlight, sharing your love for the sea and talk for hours because your minds are like pits of weird ideas that never run out.

In this day and age, social media plays a vital role on how we want our relationships to be perceived by hmmm… our chosen audience. We share photos or activities with our significant others (even those which are meant to be kept private), seeking for validation, or just for the heck of it. Because we're happy and the hell we care about what others think. But most often than not, we want people to know that we're doing great together,  enjoying each other's company, or keeping up with the #relationshipgoals trend.

Being a spectator as well, seeing all those things posted everywhere on social media, it makes me evaluate the kind of relationship I currently have. Sometimes it gets me to think if  there's something that has been missing, if I needed someone who share the same wavelength as I do, one who's compatible with me and the other way around.

But when I really, really, truly think and ask myself about it, does it really matter?

I may not be in a relationship longer than most people have, but I've seen and felt how the littlest of things matter. Like how "the other" does things like playing the sound of the rain on Spotify when you're trying to take a short nap, touches the small of your back when you're feeling a little uncomfortable when you're around people you don't know as if saying "hold on, I got your back,"  well, a little more literal than metaphorical. He knows when to speak and  not to when I'm still frustrated as hell over meaningless things. How he makes an effort to always ask for apology even when he thinks he's not at fault (but I believe he is) and makes up for it by bribing me with Potato Corner fries and Spaceburger or taking me to Jollibee. How he gives me my own time and space, without me asking, as if I haven't had enough of it for the longest time. How he tags me on animal videos he just saw on Facebook because he knows it will lighten up my mood. How he makes faces because he just wants to make me laugh. How he tries to educate me on things he's good at (Math, mostly), and how he values the things that are most important to me: my family and friends.

These may not be a lot, not really some ideal person I've ever imagined and wished for, not some trendsetter-relationship-goal-hipster couple, perfectly made for each other that a lot must have dreamt of. But it doesn't bother me too much. I've learned that what matters the most is how genuine your feelings are for each other, not just for the mere purpose of showing it off (but hell you have all the rights to be proud and brag about it so go on, because I've always appreciated and supported happy couples), but to make one feel that he/she is sincerely loved and valued.