I prefer not to speak

I've got a lot of things in mind but a number only find its way out. Some I write down. But mostly they just stay where they are, at a tiny space in my head, bumping into each other.

But when I tell you something, I mean it with all my heart. Some feelings are meant to be said and shown anyway. And I no longer want to be the selfish being that I've always been.

I suppose this is my second letter to you which I won't tell you about unless you find your way here.

It has been months since we've agreed on us, being us. It actually took me a lot of time to digest and let reality sink in that I now have someone special in my life. But you make things run smoothly, and I admire you for that. Because I never thought someone could handle me and accept me for who I am, my bestfriend and family aside. Even I have a hard time dealing with myself.

Let my silence not be of a bother to you, for it gives me time for myself, more like a recreational activity, a favorite pastime. It could be because a lot of things have come to mind, all at once, or just a breather from everything. Sometimes, when we're together, it's like a storm of questions wanting to rush out but only one or two successfully make its way out from my mouth. Then I just let the others pass by, better luck next time or just forget about them, which I do best.

I'd want you to know that there is actually a gazillion things that I'd like to thank you for.

For being so adorably cute when I squeeze your face, forcefully cram every part of it in the middle. Haha it really makes me happy, so please don't hate on me.

For patiently waiting for me after work when you can always go home ahead, which really makes me guilty btw. All the time.

For listening to all my rants about work and life and just about everything.

For asking questions, and just keeping the conversation going because I like to listen as you talk. Hearing your voice keeps me calm.

For holding my hand. Just because.

For keeping me sane and insane.

For making me laugh. All. The. Freaking. Time.

For being with me without pretensions, just beautifully unmasked.

There's a lot more (I told you I have a gazillion) but my eyes are too heavy they're about to fall. And because it's always past midnight, when silence is all I hear, that thoughts of you and I come which I wish are to last even for this ungodly hour, if not for this lifetime.

(Wow, this actually took me 10 days to post haha 28thofOctoberat0224hrs)

The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Maybe tonight is the night for me to sing all the goodbye songs in the world and let my heart cry itself to sleep. For tonight, I bid you goodbye.

I've always held on to what we have, what we had, but it pains me that everything is just falling apart. It pains me because the one thing that I fear the most that could happen to us has now come and you just allowed it to.

My heart cries in bitter tears.

They say that your best friend is your worst enemy. True enough.

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend.

My First Letter To The Person Who Is Yet To Break My Heart

I'm sorry that I'm not much of a very expressive person to you, maybe because we still need more time to be more comfortable with each other though it's been quite some time that we've been seeing each other. That's why I'm writing this letter to let you know, in the near future perhaps (or maybe never), how I feel right this moment.

Maybe this wouldn't matter later (now, as you're reading this) but it matters to me now.

Every day, you're in my thoughts. You may not be the only one, but you are, most often than not. And it's still weird, how I'm trying to figure out if it's the same thing with you, waiting for you to send me a message or a call which you rarely do (and likewise).

The first time I woke up in the morning having you greet me with a sweet good morning with your morning breath and kiss on the forehead, I knew this was different. That you were different.

I often catch myself smiling when you inform me of your whereabouts or how your day had been or just telling me your most reassuring words, which still scares the shit out of me. And I wonder if you have noticed why I don't respond to it almost every time you say it. It's not that I don't feel the same way, it's just that I'm still scared. Scared to get hurt again. I'm scared to fall for the wrong person again. But you've helped me break the walls I took time to build to protect myself, to protect my fragile little heart from being crushed again.

There are still a lot of things that you don't know about me, and I of you. We've never seen each other get real mad, upset, extremely happy, and all our other sides. But sooner or later, these will just surface under different circumstances which I'm looking forward to have with you, may they be positive or negative ones.

Please understand that I'm still slowly opening myself to you. Let's get to know each other slowly because I believe that we have all the time in the world.

You must know that you're not my ideal man. Our interests vary in high levels - almost opposites, from films, books, and all other things especially music (I've always wanted a man who shares the same taste in music as I have), but all the more that I'm getting interested in you. To know more of you. And share more of me to you.

Thank you for hanging on for a bit longer than I expected, for making me happy, for just making me feel that I might just have found the person I want to be with for now, if not forever.

I've had wounds from my past, and they still hurt until now, but I'm not using you to mend them, to mend me. I have myself for that. And now that you came, I might just have to prepare myself. We've never fought over anything yet and I am not really looking forward for that happen. But whatever happens, I tell you now that this fragile heart of mine is quite ready to get hurt again, the same way that I'm ready to love again.

Good night. My eyes are falling.

I want to cry rocks

I have a major dilemma at the moment which involves how much of a forgetful and lazy person I am. I forgot my blogger~blogspot username/id and password. This just means that I haven't been opening my account through a PC and just posting through my mobile phone which apparently happens very rarely. I'm trying to juice out all that I can, rummaging through this tiny head of mine for all my usernames and pws I've had for the past couple of years. I've tried everything that I can remember and unfortunately, nothing has worked.

And yes, this is all my fault. I would have wanted to post something about how life's been these days but I just want to cry big rocks right now and sleep since it's almost midnight now and tomorrow's another working day. But.... Ok, I'm crying. This is all for now.

I just hope everything goes well from here.

Unwell

I just can't contain my feelings to myself anymore. I'm getting sick and tired of all the pressure I am getting from work. It's been draining me and I've got nothing left for myself. I cannot put myself to rest even when I'm at home especially when every issue just come rushing to my head and asking for solutions and I don't freaking know what to do about each of them. My chest gets heavy and tight and I catch myself gasping for breath.

I know I shouldn't be bringing these problems at home but what choice do I have? I cannot stop myself from getting too attached and affected with work.

I am really tired. I need a breather.

Shovel

Staring blankly, as she tries to imagine the world outside of her. But the walls have toughen and have become skyscrapers racing to the heavens. She would have wanted to feel a carefree emancipation of the restless soul. But the mind is still trying recover, the heart, trying to mend. The lingering pain, she tries to forget. She now comes to rest.

She waits...