Happy Papi's Day

I still cannot believe how I lasted for almost two months living in this house without talking to my father. We still do live under the same roof though. My pride and anger have dominated my will to make amends with him. A simple sorry would have made things right and back to normal. But I was too scared that he would just reject my apology and still not talk to me. I've tried talking to him a few days after our petty feud, however, he did not talk back/answer, like he's too mad to not even look at me in the eye. So I got tired of trying and stopped. Whenever I get home, I'd go directly to my mum and talk and do the "mano po" gesture. Or go straight to the bedroom. I'd just pass by my father whether he'd seen me or not. We act as if both of us do not exist in each other's eyes. It's bullshit, I know.

Apparently, I got tired of it as well. I missed how we always talked about anything, go to the public market together, buy groceries, have him drive us home, drive me anywhere, buy me stuff, me pinching his butt cheeks, tickle his feet, tell him all the crappy things in my mind, and the like. So I sent him a message saying I'm sorry, "Sorry na, papi". I waited for a response, but to no avail. Well, I just accepted that maybe I was too much of a stubborn daughter and a passive-aggressive person that karma just slapped me in the face.

Morning came and, voila! Papi asked me if I needed his car for the event on that night! Hahaha I was too happy to even breathe I almost died! Just in time for Father's Day! Hahaha! That was just yesterday! And so, I promised myself never ever piss my papi ever again. Hah!

Happy Father's Day, Papi! I really, really missed you. I love you!

Lesson learned: never piss thy papi.

Just sharing. Good night.

Love is...

"Never thought love could come a second time." Cebuana by Urbandub

This line has always reminded me that closed doors aren't always locked, it just takes one person to twist its knobs to get them opened. Applies to love, it takes one real love to have the heart ready to love or love again.

I've never had a significant other before, NBSB in other terms. But I've had real heartaches and heartbreaks which I've dealt with and it sucks just as much as it hurts. It's as inevitable as death. I've slept with pillows soaked in my own tears. Breathing wasn't even that easy, more like having a chest problem, it's as if I had blocked arteries. I couldn't think straight, memories always come crushing my heart, hopelessly wishing to turn back the time to allow the self to tweak even just a little detail of that moment so things could have turned out better. 

But it seems that the turnover of events were for the best. And I couldn't be any thankful.

It may be too early for me to say, but I might have found the right person for me. Too much of a cliche but they said that when that person comes, you will know. This, I know and I'm pretty sure of, I am in the throes of love.

And it is not perfect. Quoting the famous line from a song by Incubus, "love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt" is summing up the whole phenomenon. Love is kind and painful at the same time.

As for me, love for now is steady. No crappy dramas which we all see in the movies. It's like free-flowing water of a stream with little rocks along its way.

P.s. I wish we could spend more days and years together 

Fragile

Do bad dreams purposely wake you up at ungodly hours of the night to slap you in the face? One big bitch slap of a dream that could become reality?

The dream reminded me of what I fear the most, when people you value just leave you.

I've always been afraid of getting too attached because my heart is too weak to take the pain; the main reason why I, at most times, distance myself to people. My heart, though calloused, still can't contain going through the same emotional distress, leading me to this bad habit of letting go of people, the earlier, the better, to avoid deeper cuts; intolerable pains.

I'm such a pussy I know.

There's never a right time to say goodbye

It's been over a week since my last glimpse of your face, peacefully resting, yet I still don't have the courage to even visit the place where your body dwells. It's still too hard for me. There are times when I'm alone and I just think of you, trying to accept the fact that you're really gone but the mere thought of it pains me even more. It pains my heart not having had the chance to even let you know that I love you. I've deprived you of the only thing that you asked from me: communication. I blame it on my egoistic being. And I've been hating myself ever since. I hate myself for not even being there when you were all alone, when you felt that the world has turned it's back on you. I was one of then who contributed to your heartaches. I was supposed to be your bestfriend. But where was I when you needed me? I turned my back and left you. All these guilt come creeping in everyday. I can never forgive myself for what I've done.

I've read your last messages on my phone and my heart was crushed to tiny pieces. I couldn't bring them back together. Broken.

I'm sorry for everything. I really am.

I  hope and pray that The Lord guides you to your permanent resting place, by His side. I love you forever, Monteza.

I am thankful to have had a genuine friendship with you. I am missing you everyday. Goodbye for now, my good friend.