Relationship Blues

Most of the time we're in pain, we make rash decisions, which we'd regret in one way or another, in the long run. It must be our defense mechanism to tell the world that we're strong enough to endure much pain. I'm guilty of this. This has always been one of the wicked things I always ever do to myself. The lingering pain? I try to enjoy it as it gets me through hell.

Being in a relationship always has its pros and cons. One that I've always struggled with is having to consider the other's thoughts and feelings before making a decision or doing anything because it's undeniable that you're a team now. And when you've been single for too long (especially since birth) and now in a relationship, this is something that you would have to adjust with and work on. Truth is, this is also one of the major causes of conflict with me and my person. And we've been trying to work on it since day 1.

It's not easy, yes, but it's worth the time and effort to deal with especially when your person is also worth the time and effort. There may be times when you ponder on the quality of relationship that you have, looking through it's cracks and holes, if they're compromissory or irreparable. But for an optimist's point of view, there are about 98 other ways not put the relationship in jeopardy.

One of the most effective ways everyone say is to communicate, just to talk it out and everything shall be settled. Even wars can be ceased through peace talks. After hearing both sides of the story, that's when you make a decision. Sometimes, I even have to send a photo or describe the dress I've eyed on before buying it just to make damn sure we're both happy with it. It might be too petty of an example but that's where big things start. We consult each other, ask for other ideas to get most things done. Not all the time though. There's always time for me-and-only-me time.

For me, this works perfectly just fine.

Too ordinary but I already feel like a goddam pro.

Love What Matters

Oftentimes, I wonder how essential it is to be compatible with your partner, what compatibility really means and how it applies to a relationship.

Yes,  it's both cute and admirable when you both share the same interests like having to play a sport together, or taking a load of photos of anything because you share the same passion for photography, being each others' Instagram boyfriend/girlfriend, or having an exchange of playlists because you share the same taste in music. Maybe going around looking for art pieces and materials because the arts may have brought you two together. Or just lay down the sand, under the heat of sun or the moonlight, sharing your love for the sea and talk for hours because your minds are like pits of weird ideas that never run out.

In this day and age, social media plays a vital role on how we want our relationships to be perceived by hmmm… our chosen audience. We share photos or activities with our significant others (even those which are meant to be kept private), seeking for validation, or just for the heck of it. Because we're happy and the hell we care about what others think. But most often than not, we want people to know that we're doing great together,  enjoying each other's company, or keeping up with the #relationshipgoals trend.

Being a spectator as well, seeing all those things posted everywhere on social media, it makes me evaluate the kind of relationship I currently have. Sometimes it gets me to think if  there's something that has been missing, if I needed someone who share the same wavelength as I do, one who's compatible with me and the other way around.

But when I really, really, truly think and ask myself about it, does it really matter?

I may not be in a relationship longer than most people have, but I've seen and felt how the littlest of things matter. Like how "the other" does things like playing the sound of the rain on Spotify when you're trying to take a short nap, touches the small of your back when you're feeling a little uncomfortable when you're around people you don't know as if saying "hold on, I got your back,"  well, a little more literal than metaphorical. He knows when to speak and  not to when I'm still frustrated as hell over meaningless things. How he makes an effort to always ask for apology even when he thinks he's not at fault (but I believe he is) and makes up for it by bribing me with Potato Corner fries and Spaceburger or taking me to Jollibee. How he gives me my own time and space, without me asking, as if I haven't had enough of it for the longest time. How he tags me on animal videos he just saw on Facebook because he knows it will lighten up my mood. How he makes faces because he just wants to make me laugh. How he tries to educate me on things he's good at (Math, mostly), and how he values the things that are most important to me: my family and friends.

These may not be a lot, not really some ideal person I've ever imagined and wished for, not some trendsetter-relationship-goal-hipster couple, perfectly made for each other that a lot must have dreamt of. But it doesn't bother me too much. I've learned that what matters the most is how genuine your feelings are for each other, not just for the mere purpose of showing it off (but hell you have all the rights to be proud and brag about it so go on, because I've always appreciated and supported happy couples), but to make one feel that he/she is sincerely loved and valued.

Where would I be if not here? What if I took the chances I just let slip when I was younger? What if I developed a passion for writing and made it the foundation of all the choices I've made in life? I could have been a journalist now. Or an editor. But no, it couldn’t have been me.

What if I took interest in the medical field before? Back in high school I once mentioned that I would be taking up nursing in college, it was quite the thing back then. But it was something I have not really pondered on.

I finished high school without any clear goal  in mind. My NCAE results said a major in Psychology or Social Work would suit me. Psychology was my first choice when I applied for a university I had eyed on, but my college entrance exam results made me qualify for a major  in Communication Arts. Maybe I was really made for the arts. But maybe not. It was a last minute decision, I enrolled in a different university and got a major that was totally alien for me: Accounting.

I ended up flunking a 6-unit major subject in 1st semester of my second year, the only failing final grade I got in my whole university life, which eventually forced me to shift: a major in Management Accounting. I loathed every moment of it. I knew it wasn't really for me but I didn't take it as an opportunity to shift to a different field.

I was no brilliant kid at school. I had no awards received, in the academe or not. I was an average kid who just wanted to get through. I had no sport. I joined clubs merely for the sake of it. Maybe if I had continued my performance in grade school (yes, I see that smirk on your face), I would have been a better student. But who's to blame…

I don't know. I regret things, but I also don't. Maybe career-wise, it's more of my pessimistic side that's overpowering right now, especially in my current status: unemployed. But I've had no regrets in all the people I've met and known along the way, they've made me who I am.

I've landed an office job two weeks after our graduation day. It nearly consumed me. I quit after a year and ended up in another office job, after a year of rest (and gaining my 18 units in graduate studies which I was never really interested in). Then again, I quit after two years in the banking industry.

Right now, I'm wasting my time trying to reflect on what the hell do I really want to do with this life and overthink a lot, lot. And also wanting to tend my own vegetable garden and give you good food to eat.

Alo

It's been quite a while since I've had this blog. I can almost see how I've transitioned over the years from an immature teenager to a still immature young adult. How I've handled heartaches and heartbreaks, idle moments, times when I feel so inspired, and mostly dull and insignificant days of my life, they're here. I've created my tiny universe in this platform.

My space of isolation.

A medium for my self-communication, a place for my obnoxious thoughts and cheap-ass dreams of trying to ruin every bit of me. Self-sabotaging in any way that I could. It's as if I am the actual protagonist from the Fight Club.

But who knows? Maybe someday I could write my own book. Or manage my own farm of organic vegetables, fruit trees, and succulents. Or again have an office job. Or pursue my unforgotten childhood dream of becoming a lawyer.

Or stay as a work-in-progress gone wrong.

Note

I'd be damned if I'd say I'm happy.

I'm not.

Down.

Helpless.

Worthless.

I can die today without anyone ever knowing.

Unnoticed.

Empty. 

Insignificant fool.

First Of Firsts

Two years since our first date. A lot has changed.

A semi-romantic with both our best feet forward dinner date from two years ago, to a lazy I-don't-want-to-get-outta-bed-but-still-managed-to Sunday because growling tummy with our exchange of morning breaths as personal greetings just a couple of hours ago.

Jack's Ridge from two years ago, to Taps of this morning.

Best office clothes on with a little make-up retouch from two years ago, to greasy faces with pambahay clothes of today.

Ceaseless talking from two years ago because getting-to-know, to casual yet comfortable silences of today.

From I think I would like to know you better, to I think I'd want to spend the rest of my days with you forever.

First date, first photo together

(March 27, 2014)

Crickets

It was dark, a little after midnight, in your room while we were trying to explore each other's bodies. Both half-dressed, you on top of me. We stared at each other's eyes, trying to connect our souls and leave the talking to them, as our mouths were pressed to each other, my tongue exploring yours. We closed our eyes.

Your lava lamp was the only source of illumination. I saw how you looked at me the way you never did before, I knew in that moment you were to open your mouth to tell me something. I turned my face away, and said "No."

I went home before sunrise, with tears falling down my cheeks, and knew that it was the last of you and I.

Awake

I wake up. Then I put my arms around you, my hands holding your belly. You turn around and say "good morning". You kiss my forehead, I kiss your lips. You hug me closely, so tight. It feels like my bones are crushing. But it actually feels good. To wake up next to the person whom you want just want to be there, the first thing you see as you open your eyes in the morning, afternoon, or by nighttime.

I wake up. I hear you still snoring. I'm looking at your face as you sleep so peacefully. I just stare. Then I smile and thank the heavens for just being here, beside this very person. I listen to you breathing. I close my eyes.

I wake up. It's dark. I search for my cellphone to check the time. I need to go home. Then I look at you. I wake you up, "I need to be home". You say, "5 mins". I say ok. You grab my arms and hug me. I wish for this 5 minutes not to end.

I wake up. I see your face.

I close my eyes and just smile.