Love is...

"Never thought love could come a second time." Cebuana by Urbandub

This line has always reminded me that closed doors aren't always locked, it just takes one person to twist its knobs to get them opened. Applies to love, it takes one real love to have the heart ready to love or love again.

I've never had a significant other before, NBSB in other terms. But I've had real heartaches and heartbreaks which I've dealt with and it sucks just as much as it hurts. It's as inevitable as death. I've slept with pillows soaked in my own tears. Breathing wasn't even that easy, more like having a chest problem, it's as if I had blocked arteries. I couldn't think straight, memories always come crushing my heart, hopelessly wishing to turn back the time to allow the self to tweak even just a little detail of that moment so things could have turned out better. 

But it seems that the turnover of events were for the best. And I couldn't be any thankful.

It may be too early for me to say, but I might have found the right person for me. Too much of a cliche but they said that when that person comes, you will know. This, I know and I'm pretty sure of, I am in the throes of love.

And it is not perfect. Quoting the famous line from a song by Incubus, "love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt" is summing up the whole phenomenon. Love is kind and painful at the same time.

As for me, love for now is steady. No crappy dramas which we all see in the movies. It's like free-flowing water of a stream with little rocks along its way.

P.s. I wish we could spend more days and years together 

Fragile

Do bad dreams purposely wake you up at ungodly hours of the night to slap you in the face? One big bitch slap of a dream that could become reality?

The dream reminded me of what I fear the most, when people you value just leave you.

I've always been afraid of getting too attached because my heart is too weak to take the pain; the main reason why I, at most times, distance myself to people. My heart, though calloused, still can't contain going through the same emotional distress, leading me to this bad habit of letting go of people, the earlier, the better, to avoid deeper cuts; intolerable pains.

I'm such a pussy I know.

There's never a right time to say goodbye

It's been over a week since my last glimpse of your face, peacefully resting, yet I still don't have the courage to even visit the place where your body dwells. It's still too hard for me. There are times when I'm alone and I just think of you, trying to accept the fact that you're really gone but the mere thought of it pains me even more. It pains my heart not having had the chance to even let you know that I love you. I've deprived you of the only thing that you asked from me: communication. I blame it on my egoistic being. And I've been hating myself ever since. I hate myself for not even being there when you were all alone, when you felt that the world has turned it's back on you. I was one of then who contributed to your heartaches. I was supposed to be your bestfriend. But where was I when you needed me? I turned my back and left you. All these guilt come creeping in everyday. I can never forgive myself for what I've done.

I've read your last messages on my phone and my heart was crushed to tiny pieces. I couldn't bring them back together. Broken.

I'm sorry for everything. I really am.

I  hope and pray that The Lord guides you to your permanent resting place, by His side. I love you forever, Monteza.

I am thankful to have had a genuine friendship with you. I am missing you everyday. Goodbye for now, my good friend.

I prefer not to speak

I've got a lot of things in mind but a number only find its way out. Some I write down. But mostly they just stay where they are, at a tiny space in my head, bumping into each other.

But when I tell you something, I mean it with all my heart. Some feelings are meant to be said and shown anyway. And I no longer want to be the selfish being that I've always been.

I suppose this is my second letter to you which I won't tell you about unless you find your way here.

It has been months since we've agreed on us, being us. It actually took me a lot of time to digest and let reality sink in that I now have someone special in my life. But you make things run smoothly, and I admire you for that. Because I never thought someone could handle me and accept me for who I am, my bestfriend and family aside. Even I have a hard time dealing with myself.

Let my silence not be of a bother to you, for it gives me time for myself, more like a recreational activity, a favorite pastime. It could be because a lot of things have come to mind, all at once, or just a breather from everything. Sometimes, when we're together, it's like a storm of questions wanting to rush out but only one or two successfully make its way out from my mouth. Then I just let the others pass by, better luck next time or just forget about them, which I do best.

I'd want you to know that there is actually a gazillion things that I'd like to thank you for.

For being so adorably cute when I squeeze your face, forcefully cram every part of it in the middle. Haha it really makes me happy, so please don't hate on me.

For patiently waiting for me after work when you can always go home ahead, which really makes me guilty btw. All the time.

For listening to all my rants about work and life and just about everything.

For asking questions, and just keeping the conversation going because I like to listen as you talk. Hearing your voice keeps me calm.

For holding my hand. Just because.

For keeping me sane and insane.

For making me laugh. All. The. Freaking. Time.

For being with me without pretensions, just beautifully unmasked.

There's a lot more (I told you I have a gazillion) but my eyes are too heavy they're about to fall. And because it's always past midnight, when silence is all I hear, that thoughts of you and I come which I wish are to last even for this ungodly hour, if not for this lifetime.

(Wow, this actually took me 10 days to post haha 28thofOctoberat0224hrs)