because i said so!

'you have to do it because i said so!'

who'd want to have the kind of person who says this line all the time? so.. demanding. well, maybe if i get a job and work, my boss will have the right to say that sentence to me. but for ordinary people, nah-ah. a major headache.

well maybe my parents have the right to tell me that, but it should come with an explanation i guess. or a clear purpose on why i have to do what they say.
i've always hated people bossing me around. i mean, i can't get along with them well. i remember this time in 4th grade when my former close friend and i were so against this classmate of ours cause she was like the boss for all seasons, like the leader and we always have to follow what she says like she got the best ideas in the world, and so yea, we went against her. you know, kiddie fights. showing her our dirty fingers(middle finger) and we kept on saying 'fuck you.' haha!
and whenever i have a classmate who bosses us around, that classmate will always be the outcast like fuck off, you don't have the right to boss us around. and this only proves that we never want bossy people in our lives. well most of us, if it doesn't include you.
so if you want to boss people around, make sure that you're in the right position to do it. and always think of what you want to let the others do for you. be sensitive enough that sometimes expectations can't be met. you just have to deal with it in a mature way.
or you'll end up being a loser. double loser.

things i find fun+ny

there are lots of things that i find pretty funny. i find myself funny at times =D, but what i want to share are the little things that make me happy... so to mention a few( if i can't mention all), let me show you a list:

HAPPY THINGS for a Happy Heart
1. coffee: this is the best drink that has ever entered my digestive system. it really relaxes me in times of.. err. grief? well, i love coffee. i'd love to drink coffee with anyone. but i love drinking coffee with my best friend the most. we get to talk about anything under the sun. you know, things that normal friends talk about. but we have plus+plus! and i love the feeling: sipping coffee at a coffee shop.

2. smiles: i love receiving smiles from different people. calms my heart. really, really makes me happy. i become happy whenever i see people happy, well most of the time. there are some exceptions to this of course. but naturally, i become happy seeing people smile. i love flashing smiles to everyone too! well, everyone i know. hmm. friends, to be specific.

3. hugs: i love giving a hug/ hugs to everyone. i don't know. there's this thing going on with my system that whenever i see a friend, i automatically go near him/her and give him/her a hug and even with a 'beso' kung sa pinoy pa. well, i might sound scary, right? but sometimes, i do control it because i don't want these new friends of mine to freak out or become shocked. haha! but sometimes, i can't stop it. =P so yea, beware...

4. the hair: i like running my fingers through a person's long hair. i find it pretty. i love holding and touching it. haha! freaky right? so you better cut your hair short so you won't see my fingers tangled up with it!

5. funny pictures: there are some pictures that i find funny. pictures of girls(even boys) doing their cute smiles or poses. and even pairing them up with pouting lips. well, there's nothing really wrong with it. i just find some faces looking funny whenever they do it. you know what i mean.

6. kids selling banana cues/ginanggang near claveria gate: i like seeing these kids every time i come out of claveria gate. i even find the other one cute. they work hard to earn a living. and i love buying ginanggang from them. makes me happy knowing that i can help them.

7. twirling my hair with my fingers: hmmm. maybe not only twirling cause i usually play with my hair. covering my face with my hair, tying it in a stupid way, or just pulling it like i can pull my scalp off. haha

8. camera/s: well, the family owns a very ordinary digicam and maybe it's enough(?). i like to capture moments. may they be sad, happy or boring ones. haha. but it would be a lot better if i own a better cam. so mum, if you're reading this, get the picture? =D

9. naps: may they be long or short. i love taking naps. naps give me short dreams. and usually, i get happy dreams!

10. friends: friends always make me happy. they don't fail. old friends, new friends, they're the same: all close to my heart. i love them all.

these are just a few of them, i suppose. but sometimes, even if these things/people are with me, i find myself incomplete. how do i figure out what's missing? myself. time for myself alone. a must-have.

late midterm exams

i'll be taking my late midterm exams later this afternoon. too bad. i'll be taking them this late because i got sick last week and i had to see a doctor to check things out, found out that i had tonsillitis. my tonsils were what? swelling?

well, i insisted on seeing a doctor to get myself excused with a medical certificate. haha. legal right? so i don't have to make excuses, the certificate will do it for me. but here i am, suffering the consequences. i've got no one to run to. hahaha! nobody to help me.. sigh

last night was a sooo fucked up night.. but my siblings just took it easy. yea. im a proud sister. my parents were like arguing like hell and there they were, just making fun of the conversation my mum and dad were having. haha! see how cool they are? i just... love them.

and yea, i am really confused right now. like i am no longer capable of thinking. hoho. no, what i mean is i am really confused on who am i going to believe in. dad or mum? dad nor mum. yea, i think i shouldn't believe in them both. anyway, i just need the money, shelter, love from them. i can't force them to love each other (cause they really can't. haha!)  funny right? oh yea. enough of my silly words cause i might end up failing my exams if i go on and on writing silly stuff.

i still celebrated Vday.

yes. i celebrated Valentine's Day with my best friend. we had a date the whole afternoon. she even skipped her NSTP class. haha! bad girl. errr. i skipped mine, too! ^_^
i still celebrated the very famous Hearts' Day despite all these feelings inside of me, negative ones. of course, there's this family thing that i can't easily get rid off. every time i come home from school, i can't help it, but i easily change my mood. from a happy kid to sad, angry rebellious one. and i always feel bad about it because i usually come home wearing a happy face: glad to be home and eat and see your family, but this time, nah-ah. not anymore. see how bad that feels? i even refrain myself from talking to anyone at home, well maybe except for my mum. and i feel really bad about it. not talking normally to your family. we didn't even have a family date last Vday, like we used to have last yr and the previous, i think. and this is so not cool.
and yea, i just wanna share to you this thing that i'm having for almost a year now. you know, the feeling of being a loser? you know what i'm saying? that every time i see this person, i always feel guilty because of the hurt that i caused her for uhhmm.. let me get the right term for this.. having met her? because she really feels so bad about me for somewhat' stealing?' her very special friend from her? i don't know if i got the term right. yea, and that person that i 'sort-of stole' is now my best friend. do you know how that feels that whenever you're with your best friend and you see this former friend of yours, you suddenly want to disappear and give them the whole world and not come back anymore just to make this 'former' friend happy? do you get it? or that i just want to inform her that i didn't choose this thing to happen? i didn't mean to get this special friend of her off her because i didn't tell her to choose me to be her best friend. and it just pisses me off because no matter how i want to make her feel better, or no matter how many times i say sorry, it is just not working. and yes, i can still feel the anger that she feels for me today. like i get all the credits for being the 'cruela devil' , and hasn't she moved on yet? well, probably not, i don't know. but what am i supposed to do? i can't help her because she refuses to. i've tried making up to her but it just didn't work. and i think that if ever i try again, it's still not going to work. well, maybe my best friend doesn't know about this feeling of mine toward this friend of hers (cause i can't call her my friend anymore cause it doesn't fit us, yes sometimes we smile and say hi to each other but it's just not what friends just do, i mean, whatever).
and whenever i see this picture of the three of us, i want to erase my face off this picture because it just ain't right for me to be there. i've even tried to leave my best friend just to make her return to her, but it still didn't work. and i've done this a gazillion times already. see how hard it is for me to live this fucking world? and there are even things that i can't tell anyone about because i just want to keep it to myself and not let others feel pity towards me. now tell me how crazy this is? see how my life's so fucked up? and how do i get this shit off me? there's nothing that i can do! it just sticks to me! sucks right?
but nonetheless, i'm keeping my spirits up. i am still happy, well yea. i have my sister and my best friend with me. my family! and they keep me going on. you know, support?
so yea, i love these people. i still love these people. all of them that i've mentioned in this post. and yea, i pray for them. that they may forgive me. and if not, yea. so be it.

i do not know what to do. go random!

i believe my mum has read my previous post already, because i posted a link on multiply leading my contacts to this site. and now that she knows what's on my mind, i really don't know what to do.  i really don't share everything to her, i'm just not used to it. and i don't want any of my parents to know how i feel or what i think, cause i just find it corny. yea. and stupid.

oh, i just realized that we still don't have a family picture, that's cool. i wouldn't want to have one. not now.

i have been tagged or whatever you call it on facebook when you're included in the note and you gotta do the same thing, writing 25 things about yourself. oh yea, i can write a million things about myself.

there's just so much anger inside of me. and i don't feel like talking to anyone, not even my best friend. so here i am, talking to the computer?talking to the internet? oh, whatever. 

and when i hear love songs such as this song playing on the radio which i used to like, i wanna break that radio into pieces! i might sound stupid right now, and i totally don't care, cause i just don't wan to!

fuck. i just need help.

i don't know if  we'll be having our exam in history this afternoon, i haven't read any of my notes, i don't even know if  i have one. and i'm not good at it anyway, so who cares.

i haven't eaten my breakfast yet, and i'm not hungry. maybe i can just eat brunch later. i know my best friend i s sooo against it, but i just don't want to eat.

i took an exam in out business statistics subject yesterday and i'm pretty sure that i'm not going to pass. there were only 6, uhm, items and i only answered 3. huh, now who's gonna pass with that. i've always been dumb at statistics, even during high school. i have this seatmate in my statistics subject when i was still in 2ndyr high scool, Ralph Jon Ampoloquio (sorry ralph if ever i mispelled your name), and he's just too brilliant with math. and i'm like, ralph? pano to? anong gagamiting formula? fuck. soo stupid.

i think i'm going to rot in hell when i die. so be it.

my sister just asked for my cellphone number and i'm expecting an sms from her. i don't know what she's gonna tell be but i won't be surprised.

i'm beginning to hate my father. thanks to him, my mum's life has been so fucked up.

...

i don't know if i should get angry, furious, crazy, or whatever, just not the word happy. and now i've come to realize that this is not a happy world. i grew up thinking that i have a perfect family. that i have the best mum and dad by my side. but i was wrong. i know my parents go through misunderstandings often, but i got used to it. not really knowing the truth behind their silly fights. i don't know who to hate right now. and i don't know if  there's a god out there who could help me and my family. my mum believes in 'Him' of course, He's the only One she can run to. but for me, i don't think so.

now, if something bad happens to my mum, i will never, ever, ever, ever forgive my dad. i loved my dad. the key word is loved. i love my mum. i love my family. and i freakin don't know what i should do. 

i always say to myself, 'what more can i ask? i have the best family' but then again, i was wrong. i already know the truth behind those silly fights that i've been talking about. now i don't call them silly anymore. i am the one who's silly. i'm sorry mum. i never really understood you until you sent me that email that i just read this morning. and i never thought that we're already in the worst state that i can think of. how old is my sister? 20? so you suffered this marriage for 20years already? that is unforgivable. now wherever you go, mum, i'll go with you. i swear. but please, if ever i go to hell, let me go alone. never, ever come with me. i shall go ALONE.

yes, my head

i woke up with that ****** effin door banged so loudly! so who wouldn't wake up with that? well, sometimes i don't. anyways, yea. i woke up because of it. and my head hurts like hell. HELL! i wasn't able to sleep well last night. i woke up about two times plus having the difficulty to go back to sleep, cool huh? my head. my head. why does it have to hurt like hell?

oh yea.  i've received an sms from my former classmate why is a crush called 'crush', cause it's what you feel when he(a he for me)doesn't feel the same way. oh yea? sucks right? and just this morning, i saw pictures of my, uhhh, crush(?) with that.. uhggg.. hahaha! see why it's called a 'crush?' now my head hurts more. haha

i haven't really been blogging here as often as i do it in multiply cause i still am not getting used to doing this here. but maybe i will, someday. XD  and my other friends wouldn't be able to see what i've been writing here, thinking that i only post stuff at multiply. hurrah! and maybe i might spill out more of me in here.

oh, andjust to inform you,  i've already voted for the school elections yesterday, with Kieq(kah). i don't know if my vote would really help. anyway, if school activities were just announced or spread out properly, i might as well participate. i do want to participate, it's just that i only know a few people at school, and i don't know if they join such things. so, it leaves me doing it alone. nada. but i'm planning to joina few  clubs next semester. it shall make my resume a bit interesting when applying for a job soon. i should think of that this early, right?

i know i've got homework to do, but how am i gonna do it? i ran out of pad papers, my pen's missing and i hate that subject! hohohoh. so it leaves me doing my thing, playing minesweeper. i'm going gaga over this game since the day i understood this game? haha! thanks to my pop for teaching me. and i better play now or never(for this day only!)