i still celebrated Vday.

yes. i celebrated Valentine's Day with my best friend. we had a date the whole afternoon. she even skipped her NSTP class. haha! bad girl. errr. i skipped mine, too! ^_^
i still celebrated the very famous Hearts' Day despite all these feelings inside of me, negative ones. of course, there's this family thing that i can't easily get rid off. every time i come home from school, i can't help it, but i easily change my mood. from a happy kid to sad, angry rebellious one. and i always feel bad about it because i usually come home wearing a happy face: glad to be home and eat and see your family, but this time, nah-ah. not anymore. see how bad that feels? i even refrain myself from talking to anyone at home, well maybe except for my mum. and i feel really bad about it. not talking normally to your family. we didn't even have a family date last Vday, like we used to have last yr and the previous, i think. and this is so not cool.
and yea, i just wanna share to you this thing that i'm having for almost a year now. you know, the feeling of being a loser? you know what i'm saying? that every time i see this person, i always feel guilty because of the hurt that i caused her for uhhmm.. let me get the right term for this.. having met her? because she really feels so bad about me for somewhat' stealing?' her very special friend from her? i don't know if i got the term right. yea, and that person that i 'sort-of stole' is now my best friend. do you know how that feels that whenever you're with your best friend and you see this former friend of yours, you suddenly want to disappear and give them the whole world and not come back anymore just to make this 'former' friend happy? do you get it? or that i just want to inform her that i didn't choose this thing to happen? i didn't mean to get this special friend of her off her because i didn't tell her to choose me to be her best friend. and it just pisses me off because no matter how i want to make her feel better, or no matter how many times i say sorry, it is just not working. and yes, i can still feel the anger that she feels for me today. like i get all the credits for being the 'cruela devil' , and hasn't she moved on yet? well, probably not, i don't know. but what am i supposed to do? i can't help her because she refuses to. i've tried making up to her but it just didn't work. and i think that if ever i try again, it's still not going to work. well, maybe my best friend doesn't know about this feeling of mine toward this friend of hers (cause i can't call her my friend anymore cause it doesn't fit us, yes sometimes we smile and say hi to each other but it's just not what friends just do, i mean, whatever).
and whenever i see this picture of the three of us, i want to erase my face off this picture because it just ain't right for me to be there. i've even tried to leave my best friend just to make her return to her, but it still didn't work. and i've done this a gazillion times already. see how hard it is for me to live this fucking world? and there are even things that i can't tell anyone about because i just want to keep it to myself and not let others feel pity towards me. now tell me how crazy this is? see how my life's so fucked up? and how do i get this shit off me? there's nothing that i can do! it just sticks to me! sucks right?
but nonetheless, i'm keeping my spirits up. i am still happy, well yea. i have my sister and my best friend with me. my family! and they keep me going on. you know, support?
so yea, i love these people. i still love these people. all of them that i've mentioned in this post. and yea, i pray for them. that they may forgive me. and if not, yea. so be it.